


Welcome To The Numb

by Kabella



Series: Endurance [6]
Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Arguement, Hurt, I can't take you with me, M/M, had enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:01:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24700495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kabella/pseuds/Kabella
Summary: Tommy has a breaking point. Nikki is unsuspecting.
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Series: Endurance [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1902748
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	Welcome To The Numb

**Author's Note:**

> Last one of these angsty, sad one's. Immediately precedes Driftaway.
> 
> More to come to finish out the song titles. The next ones are happier bits (mostly).'

The band walks off the set. There is an immediate outburst backstage between Vince and Tommy. Nikki and Mick have heard it before. It’s become common these days. Mick’s had enough. He doesn’t stick around, tired of this bullshit between the two. Nikki just tunes it out, as he towels himself off. Tommy is going to come bitching to him later.

“I can’t stand that motherfucker!”

“I swear I’m going to walk away!”

“Can I just fucking kill him?”

“Will you consider getting John back?”

Same old, same old. There’s only a few tour dates left. Then everyone can just chill the fuck out for a while. No one is getting along much these days. Things are different. It’s not about the fans anymore. It’s not about the music anymore. Nikki doesn’t even know why he thought this tour would be a good thing. He might have to admit that it was just to prove themselves. God, he wants so badly to be respected again. Yeah, they have their diehard fans, as well as some new ones, who like their current sound, but it’s not the same. Nikki keeps telling himself and the press that this is the best that they’ve ever been. That the smaller crowds are perfect, really allowing their sound to shine, not focusing anymore on stage antics. It’s about the music.

He would almost buy that line of bull himself, if there weren’t bigger issues at foot. The screaming doesn’t stop. Vince hasn’t said a fucking word to Nikki in about two weeks. He just does the show, then disappears and does his own thing. And Tommy… well, he’s been saying for months that he’s going to pursue new things; his interests changing. Nikki thinks that once this tour is done, they can all recenter themselves. Maybe even take some time off. Not even worry about the next album. Tommy can even try out some new things in the meantime; get it out of his system.

The backstage area suddenly seems still. Yeah, there’s road crew all over the place, taking the set down. But, it seems eerily quiet among all that ambient noise of equipment being moved around and roadies hollering out directives to each other. Both Vince and Tommy have disappeared. Nikki has no idea who came out on top for this one. Doesn’t really matter. Management, press, promotors; they’ve all been quieted. Everyone’s just minding their own business; doing something to make them look busy. The argument was uncomfortable to be around. No one quite knows how to address it, so they ignore it; acting like all’s well.

It’s not well. Nikki sighs, gathering his street clothes to change back into. Upon leaving, he’s asked by a few guys from other bands if he wants to hang out and party. No, not tonight. Something doesn’t feel right about this last brawl between his 2 bandmates. Nikki is just going to stay in. A night of decompressing, journaling, and room service. He expects Tommy to come by at some point, after he blows off some of this steam; most likely finding something to punch right now. 

Nikki and Tommy will have another talk. The bass player will calm him down. _Come on, just a few shows left._ Tommy will take some deep breaths. Nikki will massage his back. They’ll fuck. Tommy will stay the night. Tomorrow is a new day. Nikki has been chanting that mantra in his head a lot lately; always feeling hopeful things will be better tomorrow. It rarely is, but it’s been his way to fool himself into thinking that there’s hope for a better tomorrow, just to get through the night.

\------------------------

Tommy can’t calm himself down. He wants to beat the ever living shit out of that blonde prima donna. He would too, if it wasn’t going to be a violation of his parole. Instead he resorts to punching and kicking road cases. His hand aches; bloody knuckles. Tommy wanders backstage, finding a darkened hallway, turning the corner, dropping to his knees on the cold concrete floor and just spilling out, alone in the dark. He can’t control it. This is too much. It’s all too much. If inner turmoil could kill, he’d be dead. 

Tommy let’s it all out, until he can finally catch his breath again. He sits up, trying to suck in deep breaths to calm himself. The inhaling is painful and tormenting, the exhaling is resolve to get himself out of this. 

It’s been 5 minutes, maybe 10, and he can finally breathe clearly. Tommy sits up against the wall, gnawing on his fingers. He looks up, and all he sees is darkness, with the exception of a glowing red exit sign. He’s back in that terrifying pit of sorrow and lifelessness. Alone. Scared. The neon sign speaks to him. He knows what he has to do. Exit.

\----------------------

Tommy sits in his hotel room, smoking the hell out of a pack of cigarettes. He’s trying to formulate in his head what he needs to say to Nikki. He doesn’t know. It’s all going to come out wrong.

“I’m battling.”

“I’m going to die.”

“I’m leaving.”

“I’m going on my own journey.”

“God, help me.”

“I can’t bring you with me.”

“I can’t bring you with me...… I can’t….”

\---------------------------

There’s a knock on Nikki’s hotel door. He knows it’s Tommy. He gets up to let him in.

“Everything alright? I was starting to wonder?” Nikki says, expecting Tommy to come by much earlier, shutting the door behind him.

“No. It’s not alright.”

“What happened this time?”

“It’s not about what happened. I just don’t want to do this anymore.”

“C’mon man. 3 shows left.”

“And I just told you that I don’t want to do this anymore,” Tommy grunts.

“Oh, come on, Tom. It’s gonna kill you to hold out for 3 more fucking shows?!”

“This is the problem, Nikki. You don’t ever listen to me anymore. All you do is bully me back into the fold. So, get this loud and clear; I’m not doing this anymore!”

“Well, what the fuck is there to listen to? Your bitching and complaining is all I hear. Why don’t you just tell me what the root of the problem is for once!”

“Things change, that’s all.”

“Yeah, except for your fucking vague answers!”

“I’m done, Nik.”

“OK… fine. We’ll get a replacement drummer for that last few shows. Will that make you happy? See. I’m listening.”

“Nothing here is making me happy. I’m leaving.”

Nikki sits on his bed, silent for a minute. “OK. Book your fucking flight then. I’ll see you at home in a week, if that’s the way you prefer it,” Nikki says, throwing his arms up.

“No, Nikki you won’t,” Tommy says, his heart thumping in his chest.

“What?”

“When I said I was done, I mean that I’m done. With all of this,” Tommy says, motioning a circle with his hand.

“With me?”

“It’s over, Nik. It’s not working out.”

“What the hell did I do!” Nikki screams, getting to his feet.

Tommy just shakes his head and shrugs, unable to answer that.

“What the hell did I do?!!” Nikki asks, starting to choke on his words.

“I just can’t. OK? Things change.”

“What changed?! Me? The band? I--”

“Everything. I gotta go,” Tommy says, feeling like he’s going to pass out.

“You’re really leaving me?” Nikki says, lowering himself to the floor.

“Sorry, man. I just--”

“Fuck you!!” Get the fuck out!!” Nikki screams, exploding into tears.

“Nik, you don’t understand,” Tommy tries to reason.

“Your right. I don’t. You were supposed to love me. I thought you loved me. What did I do? What did I do?” Nikki sobs…….. “Get out!!.... I thought you loved me...”

Tommy opens the door, looking back one last time. Nikki is hyperventilating, unable to catch his breath, face flush with anguish, eyes full of tears. Tommy walks out, closing the door behind him; the lat thing he heard Nikki say, as he shut the door was "Please don't leave me.... help me."

\---------------------

He gets back to his own room, and breaks down. What did he just do? God, Nikki……. What did he just do to him? Tommy just sobs and sobs, shaking and chilled. What’s wrong with him? 

“Oh, god, help me. Please…..”

“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Tommy cries into himself, curling up in pain.

“Please understand….. I’m gutted. I’m decaying. I’m hopeless. I can’t be saved. You’re too precious to go down this path with me. Please understand, Nikki…… I’m sorry…..”

He fights the urge to go back to Nikki's room. This had to be done.

\---------------------

Nikki feels like he’s just been stabbed multiple times. His whole body screaming in pain. All he can do is cry out, wondering what he did wrong. Wondering why he wasn't worth it.

“Why did you leave me?”

"What did I do wrong?”

Was it because he didn’t listen? Did he yell too much? Was it Donna? Was it this tour? Did he push him too far?

_I would have changed. You didn’t give me a chance to try. You didn’t give me a chance. I would have tried. You never wanted to talk to me about it. You just wanted me to take action._

Nikki never expected this. Not one bit. This never even crossed his mind, that this could happen. He felt secure in what they had. It took him a while to get to that point, but he eventually realized that Tommy loved him unconditionally and fully. Years went by. He trusted him with his life; with his soul. 

He begins to wonder whether any of that matters. Maybe he’s just destined to never be loved. God, he was so stupid. Of course. Who could ever love someone so fucked up, so unlovable, so gullible. A complete reject in the game of life. Nobody wants that burden. Nobody wants him.

His first wife? Well, he knew she wouldn’t be his end-all. But still, she cheated on him. She didn’t love him. He tried, and she ultimately didn’t want him.

Donna? It’s only going to be a matter of time. Maybe a year. Maybe 5, but it won’t last. He already knows.

His kids? God, he loves them. But they’ll come to despise him too. He’s sure of it. He’s barely around. What kind of dad does that?

His band? He’s failed them. 

\-------------------------

Nikki sobbed for hours. He doesn’t know when he eventually fell asleep on the floor. He hears knocking. The night was a blur, his head fuzzy, as he tries to adjust his swollen eyes to the daylight streaming in the window. Nikki wonders for a moment if what happened was all a dream. It’s tomorrow, and tomorrow is supposed to be better. No, he’s too wrecked. Too empty for it to just be a dream. He knows. His soul aches. The knocking continues. 

“Tommy?” Nikki speaks out, delirious, his heart leaping at the sound of knocking. 

_He's coming back to me. We'll talk. I'll listen. We'll fix this._

He gets to his knees to grab the door knob, just getting himself to a standing position, as he twists the knob. Before he can even pull the door open, it’s already being pushed in from the outside. Nikki prepares himself to catch Tommy in his arms when he comes rushing back in. Only, it’s not him…..

“He left! What the fuck!” Mick screeches.

“Did you know? I told you to fucking do something about this, asshole,” Vince blares out. “We’re fucked!”

“Nikki, Tommy got a flight out this morning. Said he’s not coming back. I’m going to try to talk to him about it, but I gotta find a replacement drummer quickly. There’s a show tomorrow night. Tommy said he’s absolutely not going to be at the show.” Allen, their manager, relays.

Nikki can only stand there, numb; reality hitting hard, again. Why would he think Tommy would come back? Why would he want to come back to this loser?

“What did he fucking say to you?” Mick demands to know.

“I… I didn’t know he got a flight out already,” Nikki finally replies, trying to hold tears back.

“Sounds like you knew he was planning to leave. Why didn’t you fucking say anything?!!” Vince shrieks.

“I… I don’t know. I--”

“Nikki, I’m going to start making phone calls. We’ll figure this out. No worries,” Allen says, squeezing his shoulder, leaving.

“You better figure something out, Sixx,” Mick says.

“You know what. Fuck him. Let him write his stupid ass, shit techno music. I couldn’t stand to be around him another minute anyway. Fighting against every damn thing we do. Nothing but a damn spoiled little baby,” Vince snaps.

“Maybe if you learn to control your damn mouth, we wouldn’t be in this situation. You know why? Because he is a baby. A damn kid who joined this band, and grew up to be a spoiled rockstar brat, who thinks it’s OK to renege on his obligations. No consideration to anyone else. We all did nothing but to enable his behavior. He doesn’t know any fucking better. But we do,” Mick retorts.

“Fuck off Mick. You too Nikki. So glad this damn tour is nearly done. Can’t stand any of you right now,” Vince says, storming off. 

Mick senses that Nikki is upset. “Sorry, Nik. I know he’s your friend. See you in limo to the airport. Noon. OK?” Mick says, patting Nikki on the back, leaving, shutting the door.

Nikki takes a few steps back to the bed and collapses on it, a new wave of tears and pain sweeping over him. Tommy actually left. He’s gone. He didn’t come back. Nikki wasn’t worth it.

They had one thing right. Tommy is a baby. He was Nikki’s baby. And this is his tomorrow. Tomorrow was always supposed to be better. Why did he wish for tomorrow, when he still had everything yesterday. He had his baby. Now he has nothing. _Welcome to the numb._


End file.
